I just read this in an article online about people who were struggling with the apparent futility of their jobs. As I read, I was hearing the recent refrain in my mind, so how does this apply to me? I’m not working right now... Perhaps, yes, I’ve developed a bit of a complex about my transition time – some days it’s more “woe is me” than “hallelujah I don’t have to get up and go to work.” But whatever is buzzing in my head, it’s very inconsistent, and like this time as a whole, very confusing.
After having worked since, I guess, the summer of 1998 when I went to China in a field or position where I felt like I was “helping people,” to not be “working” for the past few months has made me feel, well, on some level… slightly useless. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for all the time I got to spend at home (it was wonderful) and to have the freedom now to travel about and see friends, all the while daily distributing my resume around the globe. But even with the sense of (what is it?) relief, maybe gratitude, that my daily responsibilities aren’t predetermined for me – by an awaiting inbox full of messages every morning, colleagues and a boss anticipating my arrival and depending on my productivity, and most of all, people in need that may struggle an ounce less because of something I do – I still can’t seem to get fully settled on the inside without the inspiration (and even a routine) of work in a “helping” profession.
I mean, I still do some good – I wash Jennifer’s dishes and walk the dog. I put Sharmila’s microwave rack together the other day, and yes, did her dishes, too. But in comparison to being part of a multi-million dollar relief operation for the biggest disaster of our lifetime, household chores to seem a bit… insignificant.
So, I ask myself – Am I insignificant? Or am I just struggling with the same question the employed and unemployed alike grapple with from time to time – Why on earth am I here?
But that still small voice inside of me thankfully knows the answer, and even my error. I, under the guise of “doing good” have allowed my “doings” to ever-so-slightly overtake my identity – my identity as a child of God, here to love, here to serve… And though I’ve tried really hard to get the “serving” part right, perhaps I’ve neglected (more than I realized) the loving child part – the growing, the learning, the quiet and “listening” times that are as a much a part of my purpose as the noisy, lively “doing” times.
So here I am again, learning to be honest and enjoy the silence, praying for wisdom, and getting back on the keyboard as part of my quest to embrace a more quiet Purpose.
Thank you for joining me in this part of the journey as well...
