It’s Thursday again. This morning I had to “endure,” as I do every week, the lone stupid segment on NPR Morning Edition – some lame three-minute local production called Star Watch. I mean, who really cares about black holes and life on Mars when wars and famine and disease are plaguing us on this planet, right now? Anyway, sorry for the grumpy rant. But I guess today, amid switching off the radio in my typical annoyed huff, I realized that for months now, silly little rituals like this have become signposts in my life, one of many perpetual benchmarks of the passage of time.
Who knows what my subconscious calendar is really measuring, but I do know I make a deliberate (etched-in-stone type) mental note for recycling every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month, and every Tuesday most restaurants have specials, Thursdays is The Office night (on DVD if not on primetime), and every Sunday I plan to go to church but usually go to brunch instead (sorry, God).
So, I guess what I’ve begun to wonder is… is this really all there is, passing by one insignificant mile-marker after another and trudging along like I was on the AT trail of life? I mean, I know it’s not, per se, but is this really what it’s like when you (that being me) lead a life of excruciatingly (and slightly unexciting) routine?
Maybe I’ve just been too blessed to have the last decade or so of my existence constantly interrupted by trips, and if it wasn’t trips, it was moves, and if it wasn’t moves, it was monumental earth-shifting changes and/or actual natural disasters (wait, did I just say I was blessed by those things? Ok, I guess I am).
But the past few months, as my work travel has abated, and I’ve cooled my jets for a bit, I’ve found myself sucked into some sort of vortex-esque day to day grind. And, by the way, whoever came up with that “grind” description of the daily get-up-and-go, had it right on –– at the end of most days, I totally feel like I began as a whole coffee bean but hour by hour I was chopped into virtually flavorless specks by tiny helicopter blades. Ok, so of course it’s not that bad, but it is Real.
Seriously, if it wasn’t for the dog, I probably wouldn’t move off my red chair most evenings. Whoa is me. But really, what I’m trying to drill down to is… this Thing, this monotonous hole of existence that I’ve tumbled into… aren’t I made for more? Aren’t we all called to something Better?
It’s not like God said, “Well, during this time period, I’m going to drop Bonnie Jean into big ole a rut. Let’s see how she likes that.” Quite the opposite, really. I know if I looked in a spiritual mirror I’d be standing here dirt-covered and holding a shovel. Day after day after day, I’d dig a little (with a bad attitude about some situation at work), then some more (skipping church), then even more (not making an effort to get out and do stuff) and … viola! What a lovely pothole I’ve created for myself!
Even with my writing, this blog especially, I bemoan how I’m “oh so busy, I just don’t have time” when really, I just don’t make time. It’s a choice. Writing ideas? Plentiful. Motivation? Not much of that going on right now. Day after day, for months now, I’ve gotten ground up at work (with measured success most days, but not with much Joy) because I’ve accepted my place, complacent among the other coffee beans.
I heard a speaker years ago talk about how once when she and her husband felt like they’d gotten into such a big rut of work, routine, and not enough fun, that she decided to get aggressive about getting out of it. On whim, she found herself standing at a Corvette dealer and soon sped away in a shiny, black Corvette convertible (albeit rented)… because she thought that if they were really, really stuck in that rut, then a Corvette could certainly help propel them out, and when it did, it would probably do so even faster than normal. (Her theory later proved correct.)
So, all that said, and all these confessions now written (it is good for the soul, right?), if you see me fly by in a little red (rented) Corvette sometime soon, don’t be alarmed. I figure if I’m going to keep passing all these silly signposts in life for awhile, I might as well blaze so fast that I don't even really notice that they're there... because I'm on my way out of this rut.
6 comments:
Okay, it's time to come home for a REAL reality check! Gee, you really sound like you are in the real world now, Bonnie Jean. Don't worry. It won't always be like this. Sometimes, it gets worse!! Sorry, but I can't help but laugh at you. It has got to be a bummer for you after all the time you have spent traveling and doing things most of us can't even imagine doing. Here's my reality check. I'm sitting in Hope's house in Fayetteville, listening to my 8, 6 and 4 year old grands try to explain to my 1 year grand why he can't do something. Somehow, it's not working because he's showing them that yes he can. It's a little wild, but I'm loving every minute of it. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful life even though there are times I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, it just feels good to do that, doesn't it?
Come home and see us so we can love on you.
Love
Sherry
I couldn’t help but laugh at the end as I imagined you zooming past all of your mundane signposts... VAROOOM! There went one... VAROOM! There went two... VAROOM! VAROOM! VAROOM!!! There went a few more...
Keep mashing the gas, Bonnie Jean! It’s when you stop moving that the hole seems to swallow you up.
Thank you for reminding me about the corvette story. Maybe, I will imagine me in one too... but, mine is gonna be a convertible... with some loud speakers...
Well, Bon, I guess I'll have to ditto what Sherry said....you are now in the real world which, of course, seems mundane after your exotic travels. Most of us were born and raised there and don't know what we've missed! Now, about NPR...do you have only one radio station on your radio? If that's not the case, have you ever considered changing the dial so you won't have to endure what you don't want to listen to? Just a thought..... Keep the thoughts and news coming; you're my hero! Love you lots, Claudia
Dearest, Bon,
You're such a gem. Your honesty is always welcomed and appreciated. Yes, being in a rut certainly doesn't motivate one to fly out of bed (although the Corvette might do it - haha)! But it certainly provides moments to enjoy the life-journey with less of a focus on the destination. In other words, because you're typically on the fast track, perhaps this "slow track" is "Bonnie Time" (needed more so than you may realize?) and catching up with loved ones and getting plugged into other activities you'd otherwise be "too busy" to do? So when the fast track picks up again, you can fondly think back and know you were still able to ENJOY some of life in between. :)
OK, if that wasn't encouraging - just remember, there are plenty of us that are experiencing coffee bean moments with you!
Love you lots and hope to see you soon, sister!
KC
Do not be so down....everyone gets in a rut.....sometimes you even forget why you decided to do what made you here in the first place...but then you look around and see the blessings and accomplishments you have and then you realize......you would not have any of it if you were not where you are....sit quietly and hear God speak....sometimes we must be still and listen....not a rut just God wanting us to listen and be still..HE has so much in store for you my sis....my love...my bon jean....HE will show you....your rut is well worth it...BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.............................
while you are in this rut....eat PB, fritos and some DP....it will definately make the rut more pleasurable.....DO NOT eat too much or then the rut because a weight issue later and God forbid we have to excersise....anyway...love you and sorry it has been so long....your little sis.....
http://www.craigharper.com.au/2008/04/eight-steps-to-getting-out-of-that-rut.html
I hope the above website will encourage you.
Love,
Emelia
Post a Comment