eclipse

I read an article about eclipses today in Afar, my new favorite magazine, and realized that I may be in the middle of one, or several. Not that the sun has mysteriously darkened here or anything (Denver is quite sunny), but it’s definitely an appropriate astrological metaphor for where I’m at right now.

I came here like a pilgrim to begin Really Writing, and somewhere in my subconscious I must have thought that I would be done by the end of my stay. Finished!

Not really, but I thought I could at least slip into a coffee shop chair in an undistracting space and the muses would circle my head like the little birdies did Snow White. At least a little progress could be made, surely. I even had this nice little outline that I’d put together awhile back, and even more ideas in mind, but once I geared myself up to Begin, the subconscious solar eclipse began… the brilliant, spring day full of shiny ideas went slowly, dazzlingly dark.

This was just not going to be so simple.

Theme? Structure? I mean, I’d considered those things, but didn’t actually realize how succinctly they needed to be defined for both my publishing pitch and well, actually doing this project. How does one write in two sentences or less the Theme of one’s life, or add Structure to years of ramblings in hopes of making it more interesting than droning chronology?

I stared at my overflowing pages of personal history and wondered how on earth to stitch together the scraps of memories. And the sun slipped back from behind the shadows and it was day again… Day One, to be exact. Was I not done yet? Did I have a draft finished? Chapters then, what about chapters? No plot, no problem!

Questions and doubts poured in and I wondered if I was really up for this task. By then, Day Two had enveloped me and I didn’t have a THEME! I mean, I had themes, just way too many: small town girl travels the world; every southern girl is not a debutante nor do we aspire to be; how I’m finding my own healing through helping the hurting; and the list goes on and on… can’t I just do a chapter on each?

Did I mention this was hard?

Maybe to some it’s not so bad. Those professional writer-types who do this all the time and know the formulas and have cultivated their knack and rhythm and nightly sacrifice bad first drafts to the gods of creativity -- surely, it's easier for them. But, let’s be honest, I’m out of practice. How long has it been since I’ve written anything other than a proposal, a press release, or the exceptionally rare blog entry? My years of mass-production in grad school and Red Cross Part 1 are long gone.

And this elusive lengthy genre? It’s new challenge and requires the structure and forethought that my blogs (confessionally) do not get. And how easily (like now) do I slip back into that very unstructured structure to “get into the groove” and get the words flowing (also known as procrastinating.)

But is this perpetual cycle of dark and light, hope and discouragement, ups and downs, just part of this process that I’m just going to have to get used to? Realizing that really (really) Inspiration does not appear on command -- no matter how long we’ve followed the proverbial “seat of pants in seat of chair” command for writers everywhere. Some days are going to feel/seem more “productive” than others, whatever we’re doing, right? This is all part of the process, regardless of our chosen profession…

I was writing a friend earlier and described the last few days of my stay in the Rockies as the first time I’ve begun to relax amid the flurry of the last few months, but that the writing was coming along in baby steps. Seeing that, though, reminded me of my own words = God had not brought me to the precipice of a cliff and asked me to jump, He had simply brought me to the edge of a stream and asked me to hop.

I guess I should lighten up… mostly on myself. Baby steps do count as a hop forward and are really not so bad, seeing as how I’ve only been at this four days. It’s ok that I’m not done yet :)